For those of you on my facebook friends list it is no surprise that I tend to focus my posting on all things positive. Sometimes I post a little in a day and other days I may go a wee bit overboard. To the outside world I swear I must seem a polyanna type of person. This really is not the case. I use my facebook to really hone in on what issues I am working on within myself at the moment. I myself need the reminders desperately so some days.
I sometimes feel like quite the fraud projecting all this love and light when really there are days.. more than I would like to admit to when I am stuck, frozen and paralized with negativity and fear. I struggle hard to silence a particularly nasty inner critic that not only dulls my shine, but breaks my heart and soul. There have been a lot of days in the past and in this year in particular that I have let myself become so bogged down with this abusive thought process that I have frozen myself into a rather large rutt. One where I hide behind the status quo, I do not rock the boat, I let opportunities pass me by for fear of being noticed, for fear of rejection.
As I look back I have been in this kind of holding pattern since I was a teenager. I learned early on to avoid pain and humiliation that it was better for me to be invisible than it was to be daring and try, truly try my best to see where I could end up.
Mind you I have not always conformed to the so called norm of society either.. I could not if I tried. I rebelled early on in my teen years declaring that I was not Christian. I had gone to a French Catholic primary school and yet never did I feel a lick of connection to the divine there. At the age of 14 my parents became Born Again Christians and yet again I felt no connection there. Quite the opposite in fact I was so uncomfortable attending that church but in retrospect it was necessary for me to stumble upon my true hearts path or at least the beginnings of it. By the age of 16 I was secretly doing research into alternative religions practically living in the local library. I would voraciously devour any and all books I could find particularly on faeries, druids and witches. At the age of 20 I was telling people I was not Christian (though not openly to my family this would come a good 13 or so years later).
My point is that I did dare to be myself in some areas.. but only to a point. Over the intervening years as my path has meandered here and there I finally settled upon a path to seriously study as I had always felt a connection to anything and everything Avalon. I joined the Sisterhood of Avalon. Through its Cycle of Healing I have worked and delved into my shadow side making some wonderful progress and uncovering the next layer of work to be done. I have seen the difference in myself and am proud of the work I have done so far. Not only have I come out to my family that I am not Christian but gasp I am an artist. Yes I am pretentious enough to call myself an artist. That was a huge thing for me. I was making some great strides and had (still do) tons of ideas for spiritually centered art when I let comments from another artist in the community trigger a major set back in my confidence level. I let words from another person curtail my own natural enthusiastic project output, Eventually I was so crippled by negativity that my inner critic came back to life smirking.. “See I told you so now look at what happens when you express the real you” So my daring spirit froze and has been freezing ever since. True I have sojourned into different areas of art but my heart keeps yearning for a deeper meaning to my art offerings.
Desperate to break out of my own self constructed prison of immobility I started off last year with a rallying characterized by a line in Katy Perry’s song Roar “I went from zero to my own hero”.. so some of my motivation came back and so did the critical voice inside my head.
I was in a safe and secure place in my life how DARE I want more! What makes me think I deserve to have more, to be more , to shine more, in other words to be seen? The inner critic this past year has had me refrain from creating art, hesitating to create what I truly want to and sharing very little about myself, my art, or to ever really let people see me or get close to me.
I have been wanting change for some time now.. I ache for it really. All this came to a head as we headed into another Cycle of Healing. I truly heard how I was speaking to myself. Words so nasty and terribly paralizing that I know I never would say that to another person.. Why was I saying these things to myself .. constantly to the point where I did not know I was doing it but others certainly noticed. This brought on a deep sorrow and anger towards myself for letting it happen. I sat with this feeling for a couple of weeks when last week it dawned on me that when I am utterly and completely exhausted in body that my inner critic finds it very very easy to successfully insinuate negativity into my mind. I have since been consciously trying to nip such behavious in the bud, stopping myself with kindness and affirmations. So far it seems to be working it just will take some time to ingrain it into my psyche.
In the past week both in my readings and in ritual I have been getting that it is time to come out of hiding, out of the shadows to let myself shine and Dare to be myself for all to see. Hence the name of this rather long blog post.
I keep seeing this in one for or another everywhere.
I dare you
Dare to be
Dare to do
What is being presented to me is that if I DARE, my tribe will find me. The more I DARE to show the world who I truly am the happier more joyful I will become. The more I DARE to dream big the more I will be able to focus my clear intentions to bring them about
Do I dare to live freely, as myself with no part of me hidden away? Sometime I feel like I am every bit of the adventurous daring girl I once was.. And other days I feel so alone wish I could find like minded people to provide the mutual support we all need to keep moving forward no matter what we are dealing with at that moment.
I DARE to reveal myself in this blog post and in my dreams wishes and goals for the future. I hope to find others who Dare to do similar things with me along the way.